The (new) jokes thread.....

Discussion in 'Chat and Banter' started by slim_boy_fat, Aug 19, 2015.

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  1. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    It's not as bad as the one concerning the golf club manufacturing company that has gone bust because they can't get any drivers.
     
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    Singvogel, Sep 27, 2021
    #181
  2. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    A GERMAN High Court has granted a woman seven restraining orders against a group of village miners after years of legal battles.

    The young woman, going by the name of Fraulein Schnee Weiss, thanked the court and her legal team for the over-due verdict, stating she can now get on with her life and put behind years or harassment and verbal abuse.

    In a brief impact statement, Ms Weiss detailed a decade of verbal and mental abuse while staying in a home with seven men who forced her to work as a slave for them for ten years.

    “They saw I was young and vulnerable and used my situation to their advantage,” Weiss told the court,, “I was expected to wash their clothes, make the meals and clean their house while they worked in the nearby mine, in exchange they would keep me hidden in the woods.

    “For years I had to endure hearing them sing their awful song, "Hi ho, hi ho" over and over again, and it still haunts my nightmares,” she said.

    The seven men, charged with harassment and stalking, were given a suspended sentence of four years each which will become custodial if they step within 1,000 metres of the victim.

    Meanwhile, streaming service Netflix has announced a 5-season docuseries, aptly called Snow White & The Seven Restraining Orders, which will air in March.
     
    Singvogel, Feb 10, 2022
    #182
  3. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned.

    I just couldn’t concentrate.
     
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    Singvogel, Mar 11, 2022
    #183
  4. pje16
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    pje16

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    I'm sure you're just taking the pith :)
     
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    pje16, Mar 12, 2022
    #184
  5. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    I brought a dog from a Blacksmith today.

    As soon as i got it home it made a bolt for the door.
     
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    Singvogel, Apr 22, 2022
    #185
  6. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    I told my wife that I had a Police record from away back. She wasn't very pleased and didn't speak to me for a week. I still think that 'Every Breath You Take' is a great song.
     
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    Singvogel, Apr 23, 2022
    #186
  7. Wynne71
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    Wynne71 WARLORD Site Supporter

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    Took me three reads of this one……
     
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    Wynne71, Apr 23, 2022
    #187
  8. Mieke
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    Mieke WARLORD Site Supporter

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    Should have read the message in a bottle.
     
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    Mieke, Apr 24, 2022
    #188
  9. pje16
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    pje16

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    Let's hope she can't stand losing you:ROFLMAO:
     
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    pje16, Apr 25, 2022
    #189
  10. Adie
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    Adie WARLORD Site Supporter

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    Just heard... the inventor of auto correct text has died - The funnel is tomato :)
     
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    Adie, Aug 24, 2022
    #190
  11. Wilseus
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    Wilseus Site Supporter

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    Most jokes that I find funny can't be posted on here!
     
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    Wilseus, Sep 8, 2022
    #191
  12. Johnny Grabble
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    A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
    "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
    So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
    The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
    "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
    The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
    "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."
    The Cop left saying,
    " Have a good day, Sir "...
     
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    Johnny Grabble, Sep 10, 2022
    #192
  13. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?

    Well, the flag is a big plus.
     
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    Singvogel, Sep 15, 2022
    #193
  14. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    Does anyone know if Tesco sell fish cakes? Its my goldfish's birthday tomorrow. :)
     
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    Singvogel, Sep 19, 2022
    #194
  15. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    Question: My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

    Answer: A cat. Cats love fish.
     
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    Singvogel, Sep 19, 2022
    #195
  16. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    Every time I see a group of quiet pigeons, I wonder if they're planning a coo.
     
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    Singvogel, Sep 28, 2022
    #196
  17. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE SOME JOKES IN CAPITALS.

    THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN VIENNA.
     
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    Singvogel, Oct 3, 2022
    #197
  18. Singvogel
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    Singvogel Staff Member Moderator WARLORD Site Supporter

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    I need everyone to wish me luck.

    I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well I will be out of debt.

    I am so excited I can barely put on my ski mask!
     
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    Singvogel, Oct 6, 2022
    #198
  19. Johnny Grabble
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    Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
    The driver says, "officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine."
    The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
    The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
    "Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
     
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    Johnny Grabble, Jan 7, 2023
    #199
  20. nigely
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    If 1 x 1=1
    And 2 x 2 = 4
    How come 0 x 0 = a little brown cube used to make gravy!
     
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    Last edited: Jan 10, 2023
    nigely, Jan 9, 2023
    #200
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