The (new) jokes thread.....

The Agony of Ageing

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended.
I stopped in to visit my ageing friend.
He was busy covering his private parts with black shoe polish.
I said to him,
"You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

 

A like that wan Rigend.


Didn't want to believe that ma old man who works as a council roadman was stealing from his employers ...but when a got home...all the signs were there

 

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house".

 

Man goes to the doctors because he thinks he has piles.the doctor confirms this and gets him to bend over and inserts some ointment in his backside. Dr tells the man to use this ointment morning and night and to ask his wife to help him . At home the wife helps him before bed time with the pile ointment. As he is bending over she puts her left hand on his left shoulder to steady him as she gently eases the nozzle in and squeezes the tube. The man gives out a little scream and the lady apologises and asks him if it hurt. The man replies "no but I just remembered that when the doctor did this he had both hands on my shoulders"

 

Seeing we're on a rectal theme:

After my prostrate examination,the doctor left as the nurse came in.As she shut the door she whispered the three words no man wants to hear....." Who was that "...

 

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached

into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"


"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

 

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man'sheart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?



It's because she smells like a new car.

 

How many times has this been posted? Still has to be laughed at.

 

First time I've heard it. Had a really good laugh!

 

Came in from the pub tonight, just before tea-time.

"You treat this place like a hotel!", screams the wife.

She'll regret this once I get on Trip Advisor and give her a low score for "Rude Staff".

 

From today onwards, viagra is being sold under its pharmaceutical name. MYCOXAFLOPPIN

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/34/84/b4/3484b4020a9045ebb29bd239ce8277b8.jpg

 

But of course that's irrelevant to a BMW driver...

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."...
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?

 

I never end up in situations like that

 

Just back from holiday in Thailand where I came so close to shagging a Lady Boy.... looked like a lady..walked like a lady..talked like a lady.
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into the garage first time I thought to myself ""Wait a fecking minute here""

 

It is easy to see how that can happen. I have been to Bangkok, Patong Beach and to the "Ladyboy Show" in Pattaya and you can look very closely at some of those young people and it is very difficult to make out the gender. Very often the only give away is either the size 10 shoes on a small body or the Adam's Apple.