The (new) jokes thread.....

Discussion in 'Chat and Banter' started by slim_boy_fat, Aug 19, 2015.

  1. slim_boy_fat
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    slim_boy_fat WARLORD Site Supporter

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    In memory of the original one, here's a starter for 10. Please keep in mind that this is a family forum ;)

    Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country (USA) has ever known.

    Some of his sayings:

    1.Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

    2.Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

    3.There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

    4.Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    5.Always drink upstream from the herd.

    6.If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

    7.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

    8.There are three kinds of men:

    The ones that learn by reading.

    The few who learn by observation.

    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.


    9.Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

    10.If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

    11.Letting' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

    12.After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

    The moral:When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


    ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

    First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

    Second ~The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

    Third ~Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

    Fourth ~When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

    Fifth ~You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

    Sixth ~I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

    Seventh ~One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

    Eighth ~One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

    Ninth ~Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

    Tenth ~Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.Today it's called golf.

    And, finally ~If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
     
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  2. rigeng
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    rigeng Site Supporter

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    Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis

    that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

    (A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens)

    and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

    (B) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.

    (C) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects - yes, 100% of all these men -

    1) Argued over nothing.
    2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
    3) Gained weight.
    4) Talked excessively without making sense.
    5) Became overly emotional.
    6) Couldn't drive.
    7) Failed to think rationally, and
    8) Had to sit down while urinating.

    No further testing was considered necessary.
     
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  3. slim_boy_fat
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    slim_boy_fat WARLORD Site Supporter

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    :D
     
  4. Merc? No. BM!
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    Merc? No. BM! WARLORD Site Supporter

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    Sexist.

    But admittedly I guiltily :D :oops:
     
  5. Verbarthe
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    Verbarthe WARLORD Site Supporter

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  6. kleynie
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    kleynie WARLORD Site Supporter

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    What do you call a donkey with three legs....?
     
  7. tenchiten
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    tenchiten

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    A wonky ? :D
     
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  8. tenchiten
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    tenchiten

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    A man walked into a bric-a-brac shop and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

    "That will be £10 for the brass rat and £100 for the story behind it," said the shop keeper.

    "Thanks, but I'll just pay the £10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the shop. As he was walking down the street he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the beach and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he walked out into the water and all the rats drowned.

    He went back to the shop.

    "Ah-ha!" said the shop keeper. "You've come back for the story, right?"
    "Nope," said the man. "Do you have any brass lawyers?"
     
  9. kleynie
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    kleynie WARLORD Site Supporter

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    Yep.

    What do you call a deer that's blind?
     
  10. tenchiten
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    tenchiten

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    No idea:)
     
  11. rigeng
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    rigeng Site Supporter

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    A girl walks into a supermarket.
    On her way round, she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub.

    He is stacking washing powder on shelves.
    "You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"

    "No," he says, "What I said was that I was a member of the Ariel display team."
     
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  12. Merc? No. BM!
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    Merc? No. BM! WARLORD Site Supporter

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    Ah, now I get it. :rolleyes: :D
    Sort of...o_O
     
  13. Ers51
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    Ers51 Site Supporter

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    Don't know how many if any will appreciate this joke,you really need to be a betting man ( which unfortunately I am lol ) to fully understand it.Anyway.

    Scotsman Englishman Irishman on hols together in Rome and while visiting the Vatican got detached from their tour guide and while trying to get back to their group opened a door to find a dozen or so Cardinals huddled around the Pope lying dead on the floor.They begged the tourists not to reveal this to anyone until they had time to prepare the masses for this terrible news. Having a few days grace before the death would be revealed they ( being betting men) struck bets with prices ranging from 33/1 at the bookies back home that the death of the Pope was imminent.
    Meeting up a week or so later after the death had been announced and fortunes made from the bets the Scotsman and Englishman noticed that Paddy was none to happy looking.Enquiring why he was not overjoyed after getting one over the bookies Paddy replied " to be sure a got a bit greedy and doubled it up with the Archbishop of Canterbury"

    ed.
     
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  14. rigeng
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    rigeng Site Supporter

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    At a local bar in downtown Wakefield.... The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

    Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

    One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

    After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,..." He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it...... Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around
    the lemon....and six drops fell into the glass.

    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his £1000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

    The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for The Inland Revenue."
     
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  15. Ers51
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    Aye no bad rigend...a like it ..
     
  16. kleynie
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    kleynie WARLORD Site Supporter

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    What about the man who lost his left leg and left arm............he's alright now.
     
  17. rigeng
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    rigeng Site Supporter

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    Flawless Male Logic at its best :
    Woman:
    Do you drink beer?

    Man:
    Yes

    Woman:
    How many beers a day?

    Man:
    Usually about 3

    Woman:
    How much do you pay per beer?

    Man:
    £3

    Woman:
    And how long have you been drinking?

    Man:
    About 30 years, I suppose

    Woman:
    So a beer costs £3 and you have 3 beers a day
    which puts your spending each month at £270.
    In one year, it would be approximately £3,240 correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    If in 1 year you spend £3,240 not accounting for
    inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending
    at £97,200 correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
    that money could have been put in a step-up
    interest savings account and after accounting for
    compound interest for the past 30 years, you
    could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man:
    Do you drink beer?

    Woman:
    No

    Man:
    Where's your bloody Ferrari then?
     
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  18. kleynie
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    kleynie WARLORD Site Supporter

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    I just read this to my misses and before I announced the annual cost she had already worked it out telling me how many diamonds it would buy. That's why we don't own a Ferrari
     
  19. Merc? No. BM!
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    Merc? No. BM! WARLORD Site Supporter

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    You should have told your missus ferraris are forever...
     
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  20. kleynie
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    kleynie WARLORD Site Supporter

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    Yeah but she can't wear a Ferrari
     

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